Is your teenage daughter mean to you?
Do you sometimes ask yourself why she is so mean? I am sure you love your teenage daughter but are there moments where you ask yourself, “do I like her?”
It’s impossible for teenage girls not to feel pressure and anxiety but my question is why do they have to be so mean?
Being a teenage girl is no easy task in 2025, I make space for that, I get it, it’s hard. I feel for teenage girls, the social pressure from their peers, the relentless pressure resulting from social media, the anxiety that our digital world has created. It’s impossible for teenage girls not to feel pressure and anxiety but my question is why do they have to be so mean? The real question is why do they have to be so mean to their mother?
As a mother you want to do the best for your kids, always, but sometimes you don’t know what that is. Countless mothers have their own story of when they tried to say something kind, nice or constructive to their daughter but then the conversation goes sideways. A conversation that should be constructive devolves into random yelling, stomping out of a room or being told “it’s different now.”
Think of the meanness your teenage daughter exhibits as quills on a porcupine….it is protection. When your teenage daughter is being mean to you, mom, what they are really saying is, I can’t deal with this at this moment, it’s too much.
I think it’s fair to say the teenage years are ones of transitioning from childhood to adulthood. There are lots of uncertainties and teenagers, especially girls, are trying to find their voice. The meanness is armour. The meanness is a battle shield. Think of the meanness your teenage daughter exhibits as quills on a porcupine….it is protection. When your teenage daughter is being mean to you, mom, what they are really saying is, I can’t deal with this at this moment, it’s too much.
I know, I know this is part of the deal as a parent, the teenage years are difficult. As a mother, the question is, how do you centre yourself so you can survive the active teenage disdain?
Reflection is a powerful tool and developing active personal and situational reflection can help parents survive the meanness that often comes their way. Ask yourself the following questions;
What is happening at this moment for my daughter? Is there something going on in my daughter’s life that is upsetting or unsettling?
What is happening to me, the parent? Am I being flooded with emotion? Am I losing my ability to remain calm? Am I matching her pace of accelerated emotion?
Do I need a moment or break in this conversation? Do I need to ask for a time out so I can not match the emotion and remain calm?
When you have a heated conversation with your daughter, don't be afraid to take a time out, that should be no less than 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. Remember the meanness your daughter is exhibiting, it’s not personal, but as a mom it can be painful.
It’s OK in heated moments to take a time out. Taking a time out from the conversation allows for you to breathe and come back to your thinking mind. When you have a heated conversation with your daughter, don't be afraid to take a time out, that should be no less than 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. Remember the meanness your daughter is exhibiting, it’s not personal, but as a mom it can be painful. We know that our children go through stages and the teenage years are no exception, but as a mom you need to find a way to protect yourself. Reflection might be the single most effective tool to save your sanity in the depth of the meanness…you owe it to yourself to try.
