What’s Working — and What Needs Improvement
(Without Beating Yourself Up)
When many women hear the question “What needs improvement?”, something subtle and painful happens almost instantly. It turns into: “What am I doing wrong?”
The shift is fast. Automatic. And brutal. Suddenly, reflection stops being useful and starts feeling like an attack. Instead of curiosity, there’s judgment. Instead of learning, there’s self-criticism. And instead of clarity, there’s shame.
But reflection doesn’t have to hurt. It can be practical. It can be encouraging. It can even feel grounding if we approach it differently.
Why Reflection So Easily Turns Harsh
Women are often taught, directly or indirectly, to be self-improving projects. There’s an unspoken belief that if something isn’t working, it must be because we’re not trying hard enough, being organized enough, or disciplined enough.
So when we ask ourselves what needs improvement, we scan for flaws:
Where did I mess up?
Why can’t I get this right?
What’s wrong with me?
That lens makes it almost impossible to see the full picture and it misses some of the most important information available to us.
Why Starting with What’s Working Matters
If you only focus on what isn’t going well, you lose valuable insight.
You miss:
What already helps you cope
What feels sustainable in your actual life
What you’re quietly doing right
Even small successes leave clues. They show you what fits, what supports you, and what’s realistic given your energy and circumstances.Those clues are often the key to real change, far more useful than harsh self-analysis.
When women start by noticing what’s working, something shifts. The nervous system settles. The inner dialogue softens. And suddenly, improvement feels possible instead of punishing.
Small Wins Are Not Trivial
Many women dismiss small wins because they don’t feel impressive enough.
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“I should be doing more by now.”
“That barely counts.”
But small wins matter precisely because they are repeatable.
They show you:
What you can return to on hard days
What doesn’t require heroic effort
What fits into the reality of your life
Ignoring small wins is like throwing away the map and then wondering why you feel lost.
Improvement Isn’t About Fixing Yourself
This is worth saying clearly: Nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes something just doesn’t fit.
A routine that worked five years ago might not work now. A plan that sounded good in theory might not align with your energy, responsibilities, or stage of life. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed it means you’ve changed.
Instead of asking:
“Why can’t I stick with this?”
Try asking:
“When does this feel easier?”
“What supports help me show up?”
“What gets in the way and what helps?”
Those questions open the door to problem-solving without self-blame. They lead to solutions instead of shame spirals.
Why Shame Kills Momentum
Shame feels motivating at first sharp, urgent, and loud. But it doesn’t last. Over time, it drains energy, erodes confidence, and makes starting feel heavier each time.
When improvement is tied to self-criticism, people avoid it. Not because they don’t care, but because it hurts too much.
Kindness, on the other hand, creates space for honesty. And honesty is what leads to meaningful change.
3 Take-Away Tips
1. Always Start with What’s Working
Even if it feels small. Especially if it feels small.
Ask yourself:
What am I already doing that helps?
When do things feel slightly easier?
What have I managed to maintain, even imperfectly?
Momentum comes from building on success, not from tearing yourself down. What’s working is not irrelevant, it's the foundation.
2. Separate What You Did from Who You Are
This step is essential.
A plan not working says nothing about your worth, character, or capability. It’s information not a verdict.
“I struggled to follow through” is very different from “I am unreliable.”
One invites adjustment.
The other invites shame.
Be precise in your language. Talk about behaviours and systems, not identity. You are not the problem you’re the person trying to solve one.
3. Adjust the Setup, Not Your Self-Esteem
If something isn’t working, change the setup:
Change the timeline
Change the level of support
Change the expectations
But leave your self-worth out of it. You don’t need to earn progress by feeling bad about yourself. Growth works better when your confidence stays intact.
A More Supportive Way to Reflect
Try this simple framework:
What’s working, even a little?
What’s getting in the way?
What could I tweak to make this easier?
Notice what’s missing here: blame.
Reflection doesn’t have to feel like a performance review where you’re about to get fired. It can feel like a check-in one that’s honest, calm, and focused on helping you move forward.
A Gentle Reminder
Growth happens faster and more sustainably when you stop treating yourself like the problem.
You are not broken. You are learning. And learning works best when it’s met with patience, curiosity, and respect.
Be kind as you reflect. You’re doing better than you think.
